525,600 minutes (give or take a month)

Wow, a year's a long time.  I had a really great thought come to me about 15 minutes ago and it's since escaped me.  I was going to share it with you all, but I can't really remember it anymore.

I'll try, but I don't think it will be as good the second time around; it was inspired.

All those years searching, trying on my own (and failing), choices that I thought were right, choices that I knew were wrong, all the grief, the guilt, the pain.  It wasn't worth it.  It didn't matter.  It wasn't and isn't up to me anyway.  I am not in charge, I never was and (surprisingly, hopefully) I never will be.  The things that happened when I thought I was in charge, the things I thought I wanted ended up turning me into a person I wanted never to become.  I may act like I'm in control, but I'm not, however much I pretended to be or may have wanted to be.
And this is a good thing.
I cannot be taken away or give myself away; I am not in control because I am not my own.  I have been bought at a price (and a high one, too).  I was a slave before, bound to follow.  Yet my master was restless, indecisive.  I was pulled first one way, then another.  Always shifting, always changing, I could accomplish nothing.
Now, I do not serve myself nor work for my own ends, for I am still a servant in my master's house; I serve my master and I work to bring about what he desires, his goals.  Yet neither do I worry about my well-being because my master provides for me.  I no longer have duties, chores, or obligations, but responsibilities.  In this kind of service there is a kind of freedom.  I have gone from a poor master to a good one; from a bad master to an upright one. 
He calls himself a shepherd, though he does not guide animals.  He has been called a carpenter, though he does not shape wood.
As for me, though I have no house to speak for, I will serve the Lord.

I think that in some ways it is better than what first came to me, but in some ways worse.  And while I can't use this word without some sense of irony in the back of my mind, I hope it remains true.

i can give these titles?

Dang, you caught me.  Yes, I'm back.  No, I didn't un-die.  I'm still dead, but I'm writing anyway.  It may, in fact, be why I'm writing again after all this time.

I recently got an email from Notre Dame telling me I wasn't accepted.  So I'll have to find another college if I want to get a masters degree.  Which isn't exactly awful, but there's a big drop from Notre Dame to Univ Detroit-Mercy, Sacred Heart Seminary, and Madonna U. 

Plus, I still don't have a job and I don't see one coming in the near future.  I'll be at camp over the summer, but that doesn't really count, unless I can stay working there for the rest of the year.  I don't think the camp salary will be enough for nine months of bills.

I'm getting frustrated about sitting around my parents' house doing nothing and it's only been a week since the wrestling season ended.

And I've been thinking about my ex-girlfriend, who lives in florida, wondering if the job market is any better there.  I really don't want her in my life again, if I stop to think about what we put each other through, but sometimes it seems like the best option, even though I don't even know if she could (or would) support me while I look for a job.  I don't even know if she'd talk to me (we didn't part on the nicest of terms), but some days I find myself thinking that it wouldn't be so bad if I drove down there and showed up at her door.  Maybe I feel guilty for the way I treated her, maybe I feel like she owes me for the way she treated me.  I don't know.
My brain is one big can of crazy and she's a big part of it.  I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of what happened. 
I'm sure I can find more crazy for you if this isn't enough to deal with.  Please don't feel burdened to try and fix all of it (because that's how I'd feel if I had this sent to me; but I enjoy helping people out of problems (only sometimes I get pulled into them and that isn't pretty)).  I just needed someone to tell it to and this blank space seemed friendly enough.

I probably should let my family in on some of this, huh?  See, writing is helping already.

I've died.  That's how I'm explaining a three month absence.  And I'll probably have another one after this.  I'm not real big on the internet anymore.  It doesn't help that I have a slow connection.

I no longer have that job I had in my last post and haven't had it for about a month.  Life is pretty slow, but only because I make it that way.  I'm helping out with my church youth group and my high school wrestling team.  I occaisionally apply for jobs, but I haven't found one that really strikes my fancy.  I''m lucky my parents love me and let me stay at home.

I'm starting to get a cold that my mom had last week.

That is all.

So I got a job.  I mostly start tomorrow, it's otj training.  It should be fun.  Although there are some definite why do we do things this way questions.  I'm working in a house where I'm helping six academically gifted boys try to succeed in jr high and high school and get accepted into college.

I still kinda need a place to live, because I'm back with my parents for now.  The only thing is that I want to be a little closer to the place I'm working and this place in on 7 mile and Livernois in Detroit.  It isn't an awful place to live, the house itself is in a nice neighborhood, but it isn't Holland or West Bloomfield, either.  Plus most people I know are on the west side of Michigan anyway. 

I may be taking classes at Sacred Heart Seminary for teacher certification.  I have to hear back from them on what the next step is.

So, more than a month later...

Not much has changed.  I still don't have a job, but I'm still looking.  Only now I have to move out of my cousin's house in two weeks or so.  So that gives me two weeks to find a job out here before I go back home and have to drive three hours for an interview.  Speaking of which, I may be doing that anyways, as I have an interview in Detroit next monday.  The only problem is that I haven't heard from this place since I applied in April and I really don't have any idea what job it is/ what I'd do if I worked there so I don't know if I really want to go or not.  I mostly don't want to go because I'm lazy, though.  We'll see what happens. 

Side note: if anybody is looking for a roommate, I'm looking for a place to live and would like to share.  So, if you already have a place and need some rent help or if you're also looking, let me know.